Grandparents raising grandchildren no cakewalk

For some grandparents and great-grandparents, the golden years have become filled with confusion and frustration — but they are also filled with compassion, significance and love.

Such is the life of some in the older generation faced with the fact that the children they reared cannot raise their own kids.

“I thought that would be it when I raised mine,” said Lilly England, “but I guess a grandparent never gets through raising kids. I raised my first set of grandkids, and at age 58 I’m raising a great-grandchild now.”

For England and others like her in the area, the Grandparents Raising Grandchildren group was born. The brainchild of Elaine Butler with the Family Support Council, group members meet on the third Tuesday of each month at 11:30 a.m. at the Dalton-Whitfield Senior Center at 302 Cappes St. The meeting includes lunch, fellowship and guest speakers.

“It’s an organized support effort,” said Butler at a Christmas luncheon on Tuesday, where 40 grandparents and a smattering of grandkids gathered. “We try to watch the Legislature about pertinent legislation, and our grandparents are always aware of benevolence activities at Christmastime. We try to get them signed up for all of those.”

Loretta and Jimmy B. have raised one grandchild from birth to adulthood, and now have a 13-year-old.

“It’s very hard,” she said. “When we first started it was good, but when (the current child) reached 11 we began having problems — with going to school, not doing her work, sassing and having no respect for her elders. We don’t want to go to court with her, and we love her, but she needs to learn obedience. We’re praying things will get better.”

She said the girl’s mother visits her daughter in their home now, but that can cause problems.

“She wants to live with her mom because we don’t let her do what she wants,” she shared. “But she’s in our custody and it’s our job to protect her. If you go to church, please pray for our family.”

Brenda C. said she had her 6-year-old granddaughter given to her by her daughter at birth.

“She was on drugs,” she said of her daughter, “and has tried to tear our family apart and wreck all our lives. Now our granddaughter only sees her for two hours every two weeks, but our daughter tries to turn her against us. That little girl was even scared to death of her teachers at first, then a teacher at the college said to tell the child her mom couldn’t come and take her away, and she got better when we did that. Now she’s had a complete turnaround, and I’d like to keep it that way.”

She says the grandparents group has helped her “mentally” and in working with her granddaughter’s school, and she now attends the support group meetings with the child.

Jackie Bonds said she “really enjoys” keeping four of her 11 grandchildren and great-grandchildren, but learned a lesson in raising her daughter that is helping now.

“I was too lenient with her,” she said, “and she took advantage of me in a lot of the things I let her do. That won’t happen with these grandkids. There’s no carpooling — I drop them off and I pick them up.”

She said Christmas is stressful, primarily because of the economy.

“They don’t want dolls, but computer stuff, so I make them share,” she said. “We have a board and it has chores on it and the times they can be on the computer. They say they’re in prison, but they’re not.”

She said the support group and the Family Support Council are “wonderful.”

Renay H. said at her age, the challenge with an 11-year-old grandchild is often “just getting up every morning.”

“She hasn’t hit that age yet where she wants to talk back,” she said. “She’s in the band, she plays softball and basketball, and is in the youth group at church — I try to keep her busy. She came home once with a bad grade and cried. Christmas is stressful because we can’t afford the MP3 player she wants. Her mom wants to come around anytime she wants to, but I’ve told her there has to be a set time. I’m her mom now, and nobody else.”

One grandmother who wished to remain unnamed said it’s hard to make decisions at 82 while raising a 17-year-old girl.

“I pray for her health since she’s in high school now,” she said, “and I have friends who pray. She’s gotten through that sassy stage, and things seem to be better lately — the prayers must be working.”

She said there are a lot of “stressful moments” at Christmas, and at other times.

“The class rings are terribly expensive, and so is some of the formal (wear),” she said. “She was going to help pay for that, but she lost her job. Thank God my brother up in Maryland learned what we were doing and helps us (financially) out of the goodness of his heart.”

Katie Love is also on a fixed income with three grandchildren in her home.

“I get help from the outside, from the community,” she said. “I have to be a budgeting person. At Christmastime everything I have goes to paying bills, and so I have to depend on what the church gives and what others in the community give. If not for them, there would be no Christmas. But I have to provide a place for them to live and for gas to go places. By the grace of God we’ve been doing OK.”

“Christmas is a little stressful,” said England, “because when you have so many (children and grandchildren) you can’t get everything they want, but you get what you can. But as long as they’re loved, that’s the most important thing.”

For more information about the group, call (706) 272-7919.

Grieving among grandparents and grandchildren

Holly Rice, director of the Family Support Council, says the Grandparents Raising Grandchildren support group is one of the most effective advocacy and fellowship groups the council has. But she has seen grieving on both ends of the spectrum.

“The grandparents are struggling with the generational difference,” she said, “especially with the Internet, and there are also grief issues on both sides. Often this goes to the heart of why the grandparents have the grandchildren, which is the drug problem — and especially methamphetamine. A lot of the children are grieving because they’ve lost their parents, and the grandparents are grieving because they’ve lost their children.

“That’s why I definitely think (this group) helps. We don’t have to encourage them, we just tell them where to meet and they show up and bring others they know who are going through the same thing. They’re assertive, and a lot less bashful than other people. We had some attorneys come and talk to them about custody one time, and the lawyers got grilled.”

Rice said for the last three years a resource fair has been provided for the grandparents so they can see what is available in the community, such as social services, legal aid and other help. Sponsoring sites have been the Bradley Wellness Center, Dalton State College and the First Baptist Church of Dalton.

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