Family
Challenging times can take a toll on a marriage
Feeling stressed lately?
If you’re like many Americans, then your answer is “yes!”
According to the American Psychological Association, almost half of Americans are feeling more stressed about how they will provide for their family and nearly half reported that their stress level has increased in the past year.
The declining economy has everyone concerned, and for good reason. Tens of thousands are seeing their investments and retirement lose value, businesses are struggling and many people are losing their jobs.
When an economic crisis moves from the headlines to our own homes, it can quickly take a toll on our marriage. Financial issues are the number one cause of conflict between husbands and wives. And when worry and stress settle in, it’s not long before problems in the relationship begin.
Of course, there are other sources of stress for a marriage. Some are big, like unemployment, a cancer diagnosis, or the death of a child. Others aren’t as devastating, but can add up quickly: calendars crammed with work and family commitments, health concerns, raising kids and managing other relationships.
It would seem natural that a married couple would face challenges head on. After all, most made vows on their wedding day about “sickness and in health” and “for richer or poorer.” We all know those words are easy to say when times are great, but when times are stressful it seems more natural to default to bickering, sarcasm and arguments instead.
So how do we avoid, or at least reduce, the stress in our marriage, especially during crisis? Here are some suggestions.
Reaffirm your commitment to each other
When you and your spouse are facing a difficult time, sit down together, acknowledge the circumstance and reaffirm your commitment to one another. Speak the words. Decide then and there that regardless of the circumstance you will stick together. Affirming your dedication to each other and to solving the problem will set you on the right course toward making it through. Marriage is a team effort. Working together, especially during crisis, can not only lighten the load, but it can also increase intimacy as you share burdens and face them together.
Watch what you say (Monitor your response)
Our words can have a profound effect on our marriage. What we say (and how we say it) can either create more conflict and stress or encourage peace and intimacy. Before we speak, we should think about how our words will come across. Will they help or hurt the situation? It’s not that we should withhold our opinions or feelings; we just need to express them in a way that helps the other person hear and understand what we’re trying to say.
Choose the right time to talk about issues too. Launching into a discussion right before dinner as the kids are running around, or when tempers are running high, probably isn’t a good idea. Wait until everyone is calm and undistracted before talking.
Also, it’s best to avoid casting blame. A common response to stress is to fault someone else, often our spouse. Blame can lead to hurtful words.
It’s important for us to keep a long-term view of our marriage. Stress may cause us to say things we’ll regret later and that could damage our marriage in the long run. It’s likely the current problem will pass, so we don’t want unkind words resonating long afterwards.
Listen carefully
“Active listening,” as I’ve heard it called, means making a determined effort to hear and understand what your spouse is saying. It helps to repeat what we’ve heard to be sure we understand what our spouse has said. And we should be sure that our posture shows we’re listening too. (Sitting perched behind a newspaper or flipping through the channels while the other person is speaking won’t do much to improve the conversation.) Listening, and making it clear to your spouse that you’re doing so, will avoid a lot of conflict.
Understand your mate
We’ve all heard the phrase “opposites attract.” Couples are often drawn to marry one another because of how their differences complement one another. But just as some of those qualities blend well, other qualities do not when times are tough.
She may be emotional and want to express her feelings openly, while he processes things internally and just wants to hammer out a solution. Neither response is wrong, but unless we understand and recognize how the other person responds to stress it can be frustrating. After all, it’s natural to want others to respond the same way we do.
Understanding each other goes a long way, which leads to the final point.
Get started now
Crisis reveals the strength of a marriage. If little has been done to nurture communication before difficult times, then it will be tougher to work through those times when they come. The habit of openness, regardless of circumstance, is vital for every marriage. It’s something we should practice regularly so that when things get stressful, we’re more prepared to respond together.
Georgia Family Council is a non-profit research and education organization committed to fostering conditions in which individuals, families and communities thrive. For more information, go to www.georgiafamily.org, (770) 242-0001, stephen@gafam.org.
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Marriage Bowl III Tuesday
Marriage Bowl III “quarterbacks” are front row, from left (with college affiliations of choice), Brandi Allen (Georgia), Kathy Schleier (executive director) and Casey Adams (Auburn). Back row, from left, are Nicole Williams (event chair), Jamie Upton (Tennessee), Beverly Sessions (Alabama), Dan Sessions (Alabama), Joe Remillard (Georgia Tech) and Tate O’Gwinn (Georgia). Not pictured is T.J. Kaikabod (Florida State).
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